The pregnancy diary

Most people divide their pregnancies in months. Doctors divide them in weeks. Others divide them in trimesters. I have divided my current pregnancy based on occurrences. In each phase of this pregnancy I have faced grave emotional situations and difficult physical conditions.

What Doctors call the first trimester was the confusion stage where I didn't know if this was meant to be. Well, that is certainly normal for every pregnant woman. But my confusion had serious causes. I was in the process of making a house and was due to shift houses. If i went forth with the pregnancy, my kid brothers wedding would coincide with my fifth month of pregnancy.

Well, I went ahead with it as is very obvious. And soon Mohit decided to aggravate his knee injury by tripping down the stairs. A doctor told us he needed a surgery. More confusion! And this confusion hadn't even found a solution when I got an emotional jolt. My daughter had her first ever(and hopefully last one) fracture. She broke her elbow bone and was in a cast for 21 days. It must've been a huge physical strain for my two year old but it was an even bigger emotional trip for me. I still remember the morning I stood in the Emergency ward of Paras Hospital getting her strapped. She screamed as two male nurses put the cast on, my head spinned. Light headed, I wanted to cry and scream too.

The fifth month as already mentioned was Prateek's wedding. It went on in clothes fittings and the main festivities. Of course, I couldn't dance as the others did. And the loud blaring music didn't go down too well with the baby who chose to start kicking too soon. Early mornings and late nights, great food and lovely family; all was excellent but my energies were still low.

The sixth month was just beginning when we had to move to our new house which was partially complete. We packed, we moved and made it into a home. The seventh was spent in monitoring too many masons, electricians, plumbers who were there to renovate my house and haunt my days. After umpteen rounds of all 3 floors of the house through the day, the house was still partially finished. I was relieved the workers were atleast out of the house and finally thought I would get some deserving rest.

The husband then decided to drop the bombshell. The surgery that was pending on his knee was now going to happen. So we got him operated and the eighth month began. The anniversary came and went. The talks for a baby shower for me and the baby had been rejected by the husband pre-surgery. Post-surgery he softened up and told me to have one.

So the eight month is now on and so is the baby shower. The latter was supposed to be my way getting my pregnancy pampering. I still remember writing about my first pregnancy being like a courtship period. If my second one is any benchmark, then no one wants such a courtship. While the baby shower is supposed to happen next week, I am still clueless.

Clueless as to when the husband will heal and walk. Clueless if I am nursing him well. Clueless on why Navya is insecure about the attention her dad is getting. Clueless as to when is a good time to cancel the baby shower. Clueless about who will drive me to the hospital if the baby decides to come in early. Clueless as to the things I haven't done: No Lamaze, no bhajans for the baby, no daddy talking, no disciplined eating. Clueless as to what will happen when the second baby arrives.

CLUELESS!!!!

I, Me and my various selves

Recently I read about digital identity in a magazine and it made me re-think on the various identities that I hold. I realised that I have multiple identities/selves currently each of which function at their own will but sometimes intertwine to form a joint decision.

While till a few years back, I was only myself and my digital self, ever since I have become a wife and mother, I am divided into three selves now. There is my physical self, there is my inner self and there is my digital self. All three are equally powerful and important currently. While the physical self determines my everyday presence and being, the inner self is all about emotions. The digital self as we all know is my online presence in the cyberspace. The former has been gaining significance off late and is running parallel with the others.

To understand my three selves better, I broke down a few situations of my life and analysed which self reacted how. Read on and tell me what you think:

Situation 1: When I got married:
My physical self was the one present at the wedding.
My inner self was confused and going around in circles.
My digital self was extinct and continued to be absent for a few weeks.

Situation 2: When I am on a holiday:
My physical self is tired but excited.
My inner self is relaxed and satiated.
My digital self is itching to tell everyone of what I am up to.

Situation 3: When I was pregnant the first time:
My physical self had gone for a toss.
My inner self was cluttered with thoughts.
My digital self was again itching to tell the world.

Situation 4: When I was delivering:
My physical self was in so much pain that it could murder the other selves.
My inner self was thoughtless and being kicked by the physical self.
My digital self didn't know it existed.

Situation 5: When I was pregnant a second time:
My physical self was troubled and bothered for the forthcoming action.
My inner self was hassled and disrupted but happy.
My digital self was busy updating Facebook and the blog.

Situation 6: When I am at work:
My physical self is working at the work place.
My inner self is wondering if Navya has had breakfast or if she is back from school or if Mohit took his lunch or if .....
My digital self is trying to sneak in a glance at those new pics posted on FB.

Situation 7: When Mohit underwent his surgery:
My physical self was concerned, jittery and upset.
My inner self was split between Navya and Mohit. It was wondering whom I was more concerned for at the moment, Navya, Mohit or the upcoming baby.
My digital self was quite actively putting up a brave face on Whatsapp.

Situation 8:Current scenario
My physical self doesn't know it exists.
My inner self doesn't know it exists.
My digital self is still trying to put up a brave face.

A happy???? Anniversary....

Sitting here in my room by myself I can only think of a sad song from an Amitabh Bachchan and Hema Malini movie, Baghban. The two of them, if my memory serves me right are spending their anniversary apart and Big B sings a song over the telephone for his wife expressing the situation. I had laughed at the song when I first heard it, right now I am living each word of that song.

Never in the six years of being married to Mohit, I would've imagined or wanted to spend our anniversary apart. Neither for a business trip nor for a family function. But perhaps we had to succumb when it came to a hospital visit. His knee surgery is what got us limping now and separated. I feel bad, not only for being at different places on our special day but also for leaving him alone in the hospital. But I am helpless and pregnant and the mother of a 2 year old.

March first week is supposed to be a celebratory one for our family, but this one hasn't felt so. While its Mohit's knee that faces the doc's scalpel but it is me whose mind is under stress. It surely has been an unusual day. I spent the first half at work while Mohit was at home. I had my gynae visit post that and finally to the hospital to admit Mohit pre-op in the afternoon. Leaving him at 9 PM and coming back home felt weird too. He was cheerful and wished me a happy anniversary again before I left, I didn't return the favour though. He wouldn't certainly be having a Happy Anniversary all by himself in a hospital bed so why wish! The day has passed by in a robotic motion and I assume this week will too. But I will have to wait another 365 days to celebrate my anniversary now....:( So melodramatic but so true!!

My flower blooms on!

26th Feb was important for us! Not because Mohit was to visit his knee Doctor today to get a final verdict on when his surgery should happen. It was special because Navya was going to perform for the first time on the stage. Her school had a sports day and she was one of the participants  Well, actually all the kids were participating in whatever small way.

We had an early start to the day and she looked her boyish best in the sports kit that the school had made compulsory for that day. We were to be seated by 10:30 am and hoped that Navya's act came before Mohit had to leave for his doctors appointment. We were told Navya was a part of a special March past by the toddlers of the school. But Mohit wasn't going to be lucky enough and like all programs in India, the Sports Day also started late.

In the scorching heat, the function began with two tiny tots running with an artificial flame. It was cuteness personified but my eyes were set on the forthcoming march past. Soon it was the toddler class that marched in with all sorts of banners and placards announcing the benefits of good health and happy living. And there my little star came, cheeks flushed because of the heat but walking smoothly on the chalked line as instructed by the teachers. Following the line to the end, she didn't deter even looking at the sidelines littered with balloons. The turns were taken at exact 90 degrees not to miss the chalked line. It was plain simple 'left right' happening for my baby but to me it was a glorious dance. It was pure sweetness and I have no words to express what i felt. For everyone else, it was a group of kids walking through the lawn but for me it was a proud moment when the little darling I adore did an activity independently.

Soon i was on a messaging spree to Mohit telling him in as many as 12 messages about what Navya had done. Sinfully, I was missing what was happening during the function since I was completely mesmerized since Navya had walked off. When i finally looked up, the tiny tots were doing some dances that symbolised nature, plants, animals etc. Various classes were coming one by one, extremely cute and adorable, the little ones looked. Somewhere far off I spotted a line of kids headed by Navya's mentor. I wondered what was her class doing next to the stage again. Before I could do any calculations, that line of kids came walking on the stage and the second one was Navya. She was wearing a costume of a flower and occupied centre stage. Soon some music started playing and the kids broke into a dance.

My baby was dancing now. The kid in the bumblebee costume next to her was crying. So was the last kid in the butterfly dress. Navya was intently looking at her teacher who was trying to remind the kids of the steps. She twisted, she waved, she swayed to the left and then to the right and she went round and round in circles. I realised i was standing up and trying to put on the video camera in my phone. After fumbling a bit, I managed it trying to capture that moment through my eyes and to save it forever for everyone at home to see.

All of two and a half minutes, I wanted the act to last a lifetime. I was proud, I was happy, I was ecstatic.
In that moment, I realised how parents of school toppers and various achievers must be feeling; when I was over the moon with my daughter performing a simple dance. In that brief span of time, I had felt proud, teary and also happy to be a mother. It was that rare spell when you feel nothing else matters now but being a mother makes it all worth the while. I re-lived Navya's 2 and half years in a jiffy. The little flower I gave birth to was blooming for me, making me smile and making life worth living.